thebeckybug

The past few days I’ve been struck by my ability to automatically assume the world is going to end. Life got crazy a couple of weeks ago as I put off school until the fall. This means I have to obtain a job for the summer to afford the upcoming school financial overwhelmence. Things are a little hectic as I’m scrambling around for gainful employment. I feel more like life is dangling by a very strong tiny little thread. In my head, in my brain, I know things will turn out just fine, but sometimes the rest of myself forgets to pay attention to the uppermost grey mass. What would otherwise be a natural occurrence turns into THE WORST POSSIBLE OF ALL SITUATIONS.

Like when the puppy starts limping. After a whole afternoon of roughhousing with 3 larger dogs, Kerbey stopped putting weight on one of her paws. The whole evening and subsequent morning, she hobbled around on 3 paws. Her injury did not phase her energy level, such is with puppies. As she hops around on only three legs, my mind also jumps to some conclusions…

She looks like she’s in pain. She must have broken something. Or maybe has a birth defect. I’m going to have to take her to the vet. Can I afford the vet? It’s my doggie, I would be willing to spend my whole tax return if she needed it. She’s going to have to have x-rays. And they’re going to find something, and it’s going to require surgery. And while in surgery they’re going to determine they need to take her whole leg. They will return her with only 3 legs and every time I look at her my guts will implode with guilt from something that is entirely not my fault. I will of course get depressed and then die.

Or, I woke up with a very intense pain in my stomach. As I attempt the morning 3-S (shit, shower, shave) ritual, the pain intensifies, and spreads all over my body as the following thoughts filter through my head. What is wrong with me. Why didn’t I pay more attention in anatomy class? I would really like to know exactly which organ is causing me such pain. Ok, it is clearly my appendix. It is about to burst. I will be dead soon. I’m not ready to die.

No, it hurts too much to be my appendix. Must be my kidneys. I have a kidney stone. Or five. I hear those hurt, a lot. Yes, most definitely a colony of kidney stones. As I go to my computer and google kidney stones, I am not relieved one bit. I come to the conclusion that it might be a kidney stone trying to pass, or something else. I will never be sure. Maybe the autopsy would be conclusive. That gives me no comfort.

I could go to the doctor. But then I would have to pay him for his services. They would have to take x-rays. Or a CT scan or something. I would have to miss work. I would loose my job. Wait, maybe it’s just cramps. It’s not low enough to be cramps. (I calculate using advanced mathematics in my head that it is entirely possible for me to be having excruciating cramps right now.) Wondering if I would be the first person whose tombstone read: “Perished from Intense Cramping.”

Turns out the puppy was okay, and I didn’t have to spend my whole tax return on her vet visit. She was proscribed some yummy anti-inflammatory meds and was diagnosed with a young-dog bone-marrow problem. She will grow out of it. She can keep all of her legs. Had to keep her at rest for two whole weeks.

As it turns out the intense pain in my stomach-region was cured by 2 motrin and the assurance that I was imagining it all, anyway. I’ve managed to stay alive for two whole days since then. I cannot wait until life returns to normal and I have a job waiting for me in June.