thebeckybug

Things haven’t been good since I graduated from college. I don’t know if it happens to everyone at that point in their life, but my life got so chaotic. I started working, and living in a town where I knew no one. I didn’t think it would be a big deal to not know anyone. The solitude of those 6 months was welcome after all that college life. Besides, I was scheduled to transfer to Austin after 6 months anyway. I know people in Austin, and a whole lot of my family lives there.

The corporate work environment was something to get used to. I gave up a lot of my individuality working in that space. I went from learning and gaining so much in college to a dead halt of waiting for orders from bosses. My whole life turned into a waiting game. I was waiting to move back to a city I loved. I was waiting to meet someone. I was waiting to establish stronger relationships with my family. I was waiting for something to do from 8-5 every day. I was waiting for the weekends to start. I was waiting to save enough money to buy my own place. With all that waiting, my patience wore thin after a while.

The waiting never paid off. Moving to Austin was a huge step in the right direction, but other things were getting worse. I was a remote employee in the company I worked for. I got to work every day, had about 2 hours of workload, and waited until 5:00 to arrive every. single. day. I was so tired of doing nothing all day that I would sleep, and not sleep as soon as I got home until it was time to start the next day. Life was dark and endless.

I finally realized that work was the reason I was feeling horrible all the time. I realized I had to get out, and I could not trust myself to function until I got out of that environment. I quit abruptly and waited for work to come my way. It came my way in the form of a small lawfirm owned by a family-friend. When that wasn’t enough, I became a nanny in the afternoons.

At this point in my life, things are good.

I love the work. I love the interaction and my daily routine. I’m a more pleasant person during and after work. I feel like I can accomplish things (hello: putting a website together!) on my free time. I rarely find myself waiting for things to happen. It’s a much better feeling.

Now I’m struggling with the goal to go BACK to school. I would like to have a job with good health benefits and retirement options. I would like a job that provides lots of interaction and free time. From what I can tell, this leads me to: teaching!

I’m so comfortably happy right now that it is difficult to move forward. I’m anxious about committing myself to MORE school for another career I may not end up liking. My routine will change! It took so long to get to this place where I feel comfortable with myself. Committing myself has never been so difficult due to the defeat I experienced with my other short-lived career. This however, is no reason to hesitate.

I want to get a move-on but I want to stay in this happy place. I want to pack up the happiness and take it with me through the rest of my life. I want to save it like twinkling fireflies in a jar. Fireflies that never fade. I’m slowly gaining this hopefulness back. It’s such a better feeling.